Letters To My Daughter: Random Things to Say

There are times when I'm lying in bed reading and Jazz will jump up and wiggle her way between me and the book. It makes me wonder if she did this to you. She enjoys curling up with her back to me as I'm falling asleep and sometimes, when I'm on the cusp between awake and asleep, dreams and reality, it almost feels like I'm holding you like when you were little.

I constantly miss you. I see something or hear something and think that you'd like it or would have something funny to say about it. I still hear your voice when I'm listening to Jack FM about randomly picking out socks. I've been clearing out the storage unit little by little, bringing things home on the off chance I lose the last one. I want as much of your stuff safe as possible. I go through it and smile and laugh and cry and remember you.

I know we didn't always get along, and that some of our fights were real doozies! But I also remember your hugs, and how fierce they are, how strong.

I remember when I first found out I was pregnant with your little brother and thinking that I wasn't ready for another baby yet. I was enjoying you SO much! We had a bond that Shawn was jealous of. You always loved your Papa, don't get me wrong, but when you were a baby I was your world. I understand that you grew up as babies do, but my memories of that time in your life are so clear and crystal bright and beautiful.

I was truly BLESSED to have you for my daughter. And GOD! I WISH I could say that in the present tense, but you don't want me. There is nothing that can change the fact that you ARE my daughter, I just wish so badly that you would call me Mom again.

Here are some current pictures of Jazz and Dorian. I hope you see these and enjoy them.